Ep 153: Authors: Overcoming the Fear of Failure

Fear of failure shows up early for most authors. And despite what you may think, it doesn’t magically disappear once you’re published.

In this episode, I get honest about how fear, rejection, and unmet expectations quietly shape the writing process, especially in nonfiction and memoir. Drawing from years of editing experience (and my own hard-earned lessons), I break down why failure so often feels personal—and why that belief keeps writers stuck.

This conversation reframes failure as one thing: information. I'll challenge the myth of overnight success, name the role imposter syndrome plays for authors at every stage, and offer a more realistic definition of success—one that actually supports long-term creative work.

If you’ve ever questioned your talent, taken rejection personally, or wondered whether you’re “doing this wrong,” this episode will feel familiar in the best way.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:39

Hi, everybody. Welcome back. I would like today, well, I'm not gonna let's do a show don't tell situation. When I'm working with authors who are writing memoir nonfiction specifically, and I'm either developmentally editing a chapter or the whole darn thing. Lots of times it's so normal, I do the same thing, to start a chapter with, in this chapter, here's what I'm going to tell you. And that makes so much sense for the initial draft because we're trying to tell ourselves what we're gonna tell other people. And over time, over time, though, and through the editing, I'm like, don't tell them what you're going to tell them. Just tell them, especially because sometimes if you introduce the topic, like if you're like in this chapter, we're gonna talk about extreme stress. There are a lot of people who are just gonna fast forward to the next chapter, right? They are like, I know myself, and I don't want to read about extreme stress in any way, shape, or form. So that's why sometimes it helps. So let me introduce this differently instead of saying what we're going to talk about today. I was having a conversation the other day with a dear friend of mine, and the conversation got deep kind of quickly, unexpectedly. And what started coming to light from the person to whom I was talking with whom I was talking was this aversion to losing or failure, however, and put air quotes around all these words, of course. And I thought it was so interesting because it's a conversation I've had with myself, I've had with many other entrepreneurs, I've had with fellow authors over the years, just this concept of how when you are someone who is type A self-described, right? Type A perfectionist, always wanting to go for something better. It is extraordinarily uncomfortable, if not outright verboten, to lose or to fail. Like it's not an option. I mean, it's on like word art, as much as my wonderful author friend Joanna Hardis would say, who hates word art, like failure is not an option. And I think that this is misleading a lot of us because failure is not only an option, it's a requirement of being human. Now, we can pivot that and put rose-colored glasses on and say, well, I don't ever fail because I learn. And that's also word art somewhere, like about how failure is learning. And that, okay, but let's conceptually, and this is what I wanted to talk to my friend about, although with the caveat that I'm only licensed as a therapist through Google in Life Experience, and now Chat GPT also. But why are we so uncomfortable for those of us who are, with failure or losing? And I I that's a whole separate conversation. I'm I'm this that's not what this is about, by the way. So just don't worry, we're not going down that path. But it's, and I'm not, I don't have the skills necessarily beyond being someone's friend and talking to them to help them dissect why they have such an aversion to that. It, of course, it usually goes back to childhood and blah, blah, blah. And now we have to start talking about the inner child, which is when I jump out of the conversation and go to like anything else. I see it, though, a lot when I'm working with authors. Specifically, most of the authors I work with are writing nonfiction or memoir. And so it makes sense that it would specifically be with them. And I see it frequently because they're writing about something that they feel very confident that they can write about. They've been in the field, they've experienced it, they've been navigating it for a large number of years. I don't anymore, thank goodness, work with like I don't have many people come into my orbit who are like, I learned something last week and now I want to write a whole book on it. So they've been navigating whatever it is they've been navigating for a large number of years. When it comes time to start writing about it, there's usually at least one piece of it, if not five, that really gives them pause and they start to feel like air quote, a failure, or they're losing at this writing thing because it's not as easy as A, they thought it would be, or B, they hear it is, or C, they assume it should be. And so that's where this concept tends to come in. The concept also comes in in the author realm with authors who are looking to traditionally publish, and they start quarrying agents, and they're they're hearing no, obviously more than they're hearing yes, but they're hearing no, no, no, maybe, no, no, no. That starts to really mess with some authors who have not had to navigate that kind of disappointment in the past. Perhaps they did very well in school, very well professionally. It also comes into play when authors release a book, maybe they self-publish it, maybe they traditionally publish it, maybe they hybrid, it doesn't matter. And they are told before the publishing, this is gonna do so well. Their friends, their family, their editor, their agent, their publisher, like beta readers, any combination of those people say, This is gonna do great. And the author takes that to heart, not realizing it's is what it is and it isn't what it isn't. And then the book doesn't meet whatever whomever's expectations were. So the author's expectations, the publisher's expectations, the friends who now think that because you're a published author, you should be living on Majorca and you're not. And so they're like, wait, I thought, but I thought the book was going to do so well. These concepts are sometimes new. More often than not, they're fresh, meaning that an author or an entrepreneur of any sort hasn't had to experience them or feel them in quite some time. And now here we are. So that the concept of failure and losing at something is rampant in the humanity. I see it a lot in the author realm. I've most definitely experienced it a lot as an author and as an entrepreneur. I had a dream the other night, and I don't believe in coincidence. This absolutely could not possibly have been coincidence. It was the night before I had this conversation with my friend, who is one could argue, I mean, it's it's not healthy how much this person is afraid of losing. And so the dream was, and I still can't remember it in full. It was actually had it while I was taking a nap. So you'd think it would have been like really fresh, but it wasn't. I was applying for some sort of a mentorship with some very high-caliber business person. I don't know who it was. I don't remember. I don't know if it was ever clear. And it was a free mentorship. I didn't have to pay for it. But if I had received it or won it, however you want to look at it, it would have been free. So I had to fill out this huge application. And the question that, and of course, as I'm filling out this application, the answers kept disappearing. There was no autosave feature. This was like the current version of I have a test to take and I didn't study because I didn't know there was a test. So the answers keep disappearing. So I'm feeling really stressed out in the dream. And I get to the question that says something about what is your greatest fear about this? What do you fear the most or why does this have to work? Something like that. And the answer that I had put, I don't remember putting it. I just remember seeing it was a series of emojis, which is very bizarre. And they weren't real emojis like that we use today. Like it wasn't a happy face or a peach. Apparently, there's a new one that my kids say, I absolutely don't want to know what it is. Like they won't even show it to me. But it wasn't that. It was an as yet uncreated series of emojis. I and I don't, I can sort of see it, it's blurry, but I don't remember. What I remember is thinking, Liz, remove the emojis and just write the words. Like just be, don't try to explain it in this pretty way. Just say what it is. And what I remember wanting to start typing was this has to work because I have been at this for so long. I have had so many see the air quotes, failed business scenarios. And so this, like I'm tired of it. Like it's time, which comes back to no overnight success. Nothing that appears to be an overnight success is anywhere near an overnight success. Like people have no idea how long these people who appear to have actually been at this. And so my feeling was just like enough already. And I talk about this. Speaking of enough, I talk about this a lot in my fifth book, which if you're watching this on YouTube is here. It's called Enough, The Simple Path to Everything You Want, A Field Guide for Perpetually Exhausted Entrepreneurs. None of this is simple, simple and easy. It's simple, actually. It's not easy because simple and easy are different. But I talk about the concept of air quote failure a lot in this book because God knows I've experienced a lot of it. When I was three years old, and this story is rampant in my family. Like my parents will never not tell it, but I act, I love it now. I love it. When I was three years old, I made up a game. I think I wanted a lot of attention. So I made up a game that my parents had to play with me. And it just kept going on and on and on and on and on. And there were no real rules. And the bottom line is it ultimately was assessed by my parents. I didn't, I don't think I said this out loud at the time because I was three, that the way this game worked was it never ended, number one. And number two, there were I the rules would always shift so that I was winning. That was the pattern that my parents noticed is I kept changing the rules of the game so that it never ended and I was always winning. And at some point they said, Libby, because that was my nickname until eighth grade, Libby, what is the name of this game? And I said, without even pausing, I said, Jack Bat, which is why many, many years later, like 30 years later, I would name a company Jack Bat. And I invented a product that that was the name of the company was Jackbat. So for many years, like all the years, because I'm now 53. So for 50 years thereafter, every time I come up with a new idea, of which there have been so many, it's crazy, it's I was telling this friend that sometimes I go back and I read old journals or whatever. And I'm like, God, I had forgotten that I had that idea or I started that thing. And most of them, by the way, I stuck with for about four days because I was young and naive enough to think if that all these people who said that they made a business work in four days had done it. And so if I couldn't do it, that meant it I wasn't good enough or the idea wasn't good enough, it wasn't viable, et cetera. So, but there were so, there's so many. And so it's been Jackbat for since forever. So whenever I come up with a new idea, my parents lovingly are like, oh God, it's Jackbat. When I ultimately reach the level of success, air quotes, that I aspire to, it will appear to be, oh my God, she did that in five minutes to a lot of people. It's been 50 years. It hasn't literally been 50 years. I didn't start working as an entrepreneur when I was three. Well, one could argue that I did. At any rate, moving on. So I for a long time had a huge fear of failure. And I had a huge fear of losing because of what I thought it, what I meant it make about me. And I'm not going to get into that. I mean, because it's, I mean, I'll be honest about it, of course, but it's a whole other podcast. Um, the answer is probably pretty obvious, though. It's nothing unique. So one of my pivots came about 13, 12, 13 years ago when I was rearranging the legal status, I was getting a divorce. And my I was really feeling, well, like a failure, right? Because that's what society says. If your marriage doesn't work, you you failed at marriage. And I just felt really awful about that. I didn't know how to overcome that feeling of I failed, we failed, this failed. And my godmother, who is amazing, sent me a message and she said, Liz, you this is not a failure. Like you had five, have five unbelievably amazing kids, did a lot of great things together, and somehow, by the grace of God, managed to amicably redirect your path with one another in such a way. I know it sounds like I'm trying to say conscious on coupling and like pull a gwyneth without doing so, but but really it was, and but it doesn't mean that it was all smiles and laughter. Like there were years of anger and frustration and disappointment, but you guys did a good job of not displaying that in front of the kids. Like for the sake of the kid, like you guys kept kept everything, and now we're we're good friends. Like we do all of our holidays together, we get each other birthday gifts. Is it an anomaly? 100%. But she said, what about that is a failure? You worked at it and you worked at it, and you made the decision for you guys when it was the most loving choice to take different paths. And like, here you are. So, would it have been a success? And I'm asking this now, had we stayed together and not been happy, just to say, oh, we were married for 70 years, whatever the case would have been. So thank you, Aunt Maggie. I love you for that and many other things. That was a pivotal moment for me. I don't know if she even knows that because it was like, oh, that's an interesting way. I mean, to look at it, right? And so another thing I have said, and this is my way of putting on rose-colored glasses when it comes to the concept of failure, not necessarily the concept of losing, but the concept of failure is I see failure now as the universe grabbing me by the ponytail and just flat out whipping me in the other direction. Like, Liz, you're not getting it. You're not hearing it. This is not the path. This is not the way. Now, once I'm whipped, I can whip back around again, I guess, if I choose. But like it's really getting my attention in a very clear way. I think, and it's an open conversation. This isn't me saying what people should feel or do when it comes to the concepts of failure or losing. It's simply me asking the question of you, my listeners, and whomever wants to participate in this conversation and myself when I start to feel it. The biggest worry I have for me is in order not to lose, air quote, what am I going to lose? Like, what am I willing to lose so that I don't lose? What opportunity am I willing to forego because I want to hold so tightly to, but I thought this was the path, and so I'm going to make it so. And I think that's all, well, for me, I know it's a hard thing as a human being to reconcile, especially when you're in the thick of it. And deciding as an author, as an entrepreneur, as an author and an entrepreneur, when to make a shift, whether it's from the way you thought you wanted to publish to the way that you do want to publish, maybe it's the way you thought you wanted to write a book, to the way that the book is actually coming out, to how you want to present it to the world, to what you have to work through within yourself in order to get confident and comfortable being able to talk about the concepts in the book without feeling like an imposter. Remember, imposters don't, real imposters don't have imposter syndrome. So if you have imposter syndrome, you're not an imposter. To me, it's a clue about where you're maybe feeling less comfortable about the material, which is an opportunity to get clearer. Even when I was writing Write the Damn Book already, which was my most recent, my sixth book, there were sections, and I've been, I've been working as an author for over 20 years, and I've been working with authors for almost a decade, I think maybe eight years, so close. And there was a section that I felt very familiar with, and I'm very comfortable talking about with people, but writing about it, talking about it one-on-one to someone who has a very specific question is completely different from talking to the general you, where you really do have to keep things much more high level because you don't know what each individual reader's unique question, circumstance, problem, concern is. And I got stumped. There was a specific section where I got stumped and I had to take a number of walks, so good for my step count, in order to talk to myself and sort out how do I want to talk about this at the highest possible level without it sounding vapid or trite or sterile. And it took, but in the end, I believe I it was so much for the betterment because now I can talk about it with more confidence. And everything that I talk about in this space comes with the caveat of this is just based on my experience and the experience of the hundreds of other authors that I've talked to and people who have come on this podcast and stuff that I've read. But it's not gospel. It's not you have to do this, or you better do this, or if you don't do this, it won't work, or this means you're a failure, or this means you're gonna lose. It's much more insular so that each individual person can consciously and intentionally make their own decisions about how they feel about something. Because I don't like to be told what I should think or how I should handle something. So I'm not gonna tell other people that. So, in conclusion, I'm curious about how you perceive this. If you're someone who is not afraid of failure or I mean, if I were afraid of failure, like we wouldn't have gotten past venture number two of 764 games of Jack Bat. So if you two are some, if if you're someone who is afraid of failure, not afraid of failure, you know, doesn't mind losing real losing things is just part of the game. Like it's the this friend who I was talking to said, is it like the infinite game? And I said, that that sounds very meta. Like, what do you mean? It's a book, I guess, by Simon Sinek. I haven't heard of it. I haven't read it because I haven't heard of it. I'd like to read it now. But my friend said, Yeah, it's this book by Simon Sinek. And I said, Well, is that what he's basically saying? Is that like this is an ongoing, it's an ever evolving situation where we get to make choices and then make different choices and then get turned around and upside, flipped upside down. Then we go into the upside down. All the and and and my friend said, I don't know, I haven't read it yet. I said, Well, that's not helpful, but that's what this is. Is. And especially in the author space, oh my God, I don't know of a more infinite game ecosystem than the author space. It's it stays the same, but it's changing all the time within it. So if you are a Stranger Things fan, as I am, you can sort of think of it like the upside down if you're in the author space. It's like, where the hell am I? Like I know where I am, but it doesn't look familiar. And now they're telling me I got to go over here. So it's a it's a conversation I'd like to keep open in 2026. There are a lot of things I'd like to do in 2026 that are different from 2025. Uh, but this is a conversation I'm really interested in. Like I'm interested in other people's experience with it and perspective on it in the author space, outside the author space. So drop me a note. Either DM me on Instagram or email me, elisabeth at elizabeth lions.com, and let me know your thoughts on this. And let's keep the conversation going. Next week, I have, I believe, my interview with Jeff Rake and Rob Hart, either next week or the following week. I am in the middle of Rob Hart's book, The Warehouse. I have not historically been a thriller fan. This is like thriller espionage, a little bit maybe dystopian. I don't know. It's a little frightening how real it feels like this. I got so sucked in, I didn't want to go to bed last night. I cannot wait to talk to. So Jeff and Rob have written a book together now called Detour. Jeff Rake was the showrunner for the show Manifest. Rob Hart has a long and amazing career as a thriller writer, as a novelist. And I just I can't wait to talk to them and I can't wait to share their insights with you. So I will see you again next week.